Do you struggle with depression and/or anxiety? Do you or have you ever felt alone? Well, full disclosure – ME TOO!!! You are not alone warrior, you are stronger than you think. I will take you on my journey in hopes that one you don’t feel so alone and two you see that there is hope. My other super big goal is that you learn you are more than your mental health struggles! In respects helping you I will briefly describe how this affects me but not into details as a hopes not to trigger anyone.

Truth be told I don’t have many photos of me in tears, don’t get me wrong I still cry A LOT but just don’t take pictures of them, so this is the next best thing that I found which explains how I see depression and anxiety.

This to me resembles the darkness of depression and the gears that won’t stop with anxiety.

Looking back I would have to say my mental health struggles started when I was in 7th grade for sure (so around 12) or at least that is when things went crazy out of control. To be fair there probably was something simmering long before. In 7th grade I remember feeling so lost and alone, for a while my only friends were my Barbie’s that had a super sweet home in my closet. I would spend hours playing, interacting and really just hanging out with them. School time started and I was yet again at a new school (I am an army brat so we moved a bit) feeling scared but this time more than before. I hung out with a few girls in 8th grade that lived a couple miles down the road from me which helped. If I am being totally honest though I never felt like myself even when around them. I was really not even sure who I was other than a lost soul wandering trying to please everyone to avoid conflict and make people happy. Let me tell you this backfires, so when you are lost look in your soul not others because what makes them happy may not be the same for you!

I remember one day I used my voice and made a suggestion that was quickly shot down and we instead did what the big girls wanted to do. I loved country music, dresses & heels and playing cards. None of this was “cool” with my group so I changed the music to pop (which I still loved but it took me a while), my clothing to vests and blouses and flare jeans, and talking with people in online chat rooms. I was losing the little bit of myself I had as time went on, becoming more into a piece of play dough rather the person I wanted to be. Losing myself led me into comparing which led to feeling like I was nothing and not good enough.

Time went on, parents separated so I had two homes and another new school. I really felt lost here and things took a downward spiral because I had a lot of time alone as my mom worked and my brother and I had 2 different school schedules. This led me letting my mind run and it ran to darkness and wanting to just end everything. Without going into details of how or how many times, I had simply tried to end my life because I couldn’t find any light, joy or anything to live for. At this point I felt like dust just floating around.

Fast forward to high school and also where my parents got back together, oh an another new school (thankfully my last time at this). Here I again was trying to fit in so dabbled into drugs and alcohol but also lived the double life of youth group and teaching religious education. It was quite a battle and eventually I cracked so I got arrested and got sent to a foster care. Now I know everyone doesn’t have the experience I did but I got blessed beyond measure with my foster family. I stayed with them for a few months and learned so many things that I would never have at home. I learned about how a family should be a team where everyone chips in, yelling at everyone isn’t normal and adventures can be fun. I quickly trusted them and left the dark past behind me trying to grow..

I went back home and it was hard to stay strong but I did my best and stayed in therapy and on medications. I dove deeper into faith thinking that would help me. I have to say it did a bit but truth be told I was still lost not knowing who I was. I dated a lot in high school trying to find myself in a relationship (knowing very little what it should look or feel like). I wanted to feel accepted and when things didn’t seem to feel “good” anymore we broke up and I moved onto another guy. Not healthy but in reality many of my coping mechanisms weren’t healthy, more of defenses to accept what was really going on.

I had some health stuff happen in my junior and senior year which made things even more complicated sadly and it led to hospitalizations and feeling so alone again. Now knowing what I know, what happened was my body cracked because it couldn’t handle the stress anymore so I had pseudo seizures which resembled a grand mal seizure. Kids at school said I was dancing which sucked because I was really hurting and then to be pushed aside as an outcast that was just “seeking attention” they would say just left me feeling like I didn’t belong. Missing so much school for appointments I ended up getting a 504 plan which helped me a lot in speaking up for what I needed and extra study time.

Graduation came and went so now onto college and not knowing fully what I wanted to do and not feeling “smart enough” just went with something I enjoyed so I enrolled in beauty school. Let me tell you that it requires smarts big time with knowledge of hair, nails and skin plus balancing chemicals and time management. It was hard but there was a lot of good people there. Although I still never felt like I found myself, drifting around and still people pleasing trying to fit in. I started drugs and drinking again which was a downward spiral. My roommate had taken me out and we partied a lot and waking up in places I didn’t know how we got there. It was bad! She turned and started spreading rumors around our house (there was a bunch of us ladies living in one house) and in school. I sunk into just getting by through school and enjoying driving to work (back near home) at a shoe store where I was able to get away.

One weekend an assistant manager of mine took me out on the town to get to know other people and the area because she lived in the same place I went to beauty school. Let me just say I had know idea the rest of my life was going to change that night! It was the Sunday after thanksgiving in 2003 and there he was, sitting drinking a corona watching a football game. He saved me from many problems that night but the 3 of us just talked. Me being only 18 wasn’t allowed to be at this bar past a certain time (9pm I think). Long story short and skipping details, we started dating January 1st 2004 and I moved in 2 weeks later. I would have night terrors galore and when I drank my panic came out, had a couple pseudo seizures and some health scares but he stayed by my side. We got married that year as well as welcoming our first baby into the world but dealing with the fact we lost one (she was a twin). It was hard and so much between that, stress from family and trying to go back to beauty school I ended up having a 3 or 4 day pseudo stroke (again now knowing it was stressed induced meaning my body couldn’t handle what was happening anymore. I don’t remember much other than what I have been told and basically my body went to a toddler version of myself and yet he stood by my side!

Fast forward many years of therapy finding the right meds and keeping me on them on top of finding out our now 3 daughters (and now 3 angels) had chronic health issues that led to financial disarray was not a great recipe for keeping me on track. I started to lose myself again and went to unhealthy ways of coping. Now I was an adult, a wife and a mom who couldn’t keep it together so it was affecting more than just me and I knew that had to change.

2019 I named it the year of me and I learned how to be selfish as some people say. I got counseling with a therapist that understood the battle I was trying to overcome. I started to change my habits and cutting people out that didn’t support me. I learned hard core what I put in my body (mentally, physically and socially) affects what I put out in my mood and temperament. I know and respect everyone’s journey is vastly different because there is no one size fits all but let me tell you that therapy works once you find the right therapist, and there may even be more than one therapist depending on the season of your life. I started DBT back in I think 2008 or 2009 and was in that plus therapy for a few years which was HUGE for me! But in 2019 I found a therapist that worked me in that season of my life.

In 2021 I can now share with you that I work really hard daily with my practices and listening to my body so stuffing anything down and asking for help. But I feel I am surviving my struggle with the darkness of depression and the racing of anxiety – note I didn’t say cured but rather surviving. It won’t go away but if we can learn how to work with it, life can show us wonderful things which is my hope for you! I now dance in the rain and search for rainbows!!!

In my Survive Your Struggle – YouTube channel this month I will dive into how DBT helped me and share some tricks maybe you can add to your toolbox. You can look out for those on August 9th and the 23rd. Make sure you go there and subscribe so you don’t miss out on those great tips!

In summary I hope you can understand why I didn’t go deep into details in hopes to empower and not trigger others on a similar journey. My goal is to help you reading this know you are not alone! It’s dark and some days will be darker than others but put up your umbrella and put me in your pocket to encourage you along the way. For added encouragement check out my Instagram page (Sarah Condon (@surviveyourstruggle) • Instagram photos and videos) where I post daily inspiration through the week.

~ Peace and Love Warriors ~