I was diagnosed years ago with Depression, Anxiety with Panic Attacks, Borderline Personality Disorder, PTSD and ADHD. I have also battled suicide and eating disorders throughout my life. Why do I tell you this? Well, simply because I think that background can give insight to where a person is coming from.
I had gone through many treatments, therapists, different facilities along with the trial and error of many medications. To be fair though I don’t know if I really WANTED to change. I went through the motions, learned what therapists wanted to hear and manipulated the sessions towards graduation so I could be on my own again. The hardest part of that is, it didn’t get me any happier or anywhere I wanted to be let alone my biggest dreams. When we try, even if not fully, and it fails we become discouraged which cycles so much out of control mentally and then even physically.
As I mentioned before I named 2019 the year of me (when I hit rock bottom for the last time) and learned many skills that I still use along with new ones I am learning in therapy (I have realized we are constantly learning so now I try to soak it up like a sponge).
Through my journey I have been told “you have so much to be grateful for so how can you be depressed,” “you’re always happy though,” and the iconic “It could be so much worse.” Sure I guess you can make a point for all of those but why do we have to minimize our hurt and real emotions just to protect others feelings? What is that really saying to those who need a support when they see those they look up to minimize it. It is beyond invalidating and completely unfair! With this said, I feel I need to walk the walk and share some honesty about where I have been since August and why it’s been so hard for me to get back.
In August my grandma passed away and as strong as I was, this was the 2nd death of a family member for me during covid (first was an aunt). I was also battling a flare of health issues, relapses to a hell I never wanted to return. I mentioned earlier about my mental health diagnosis but I have many physical ailments too. I battle Common Variable Immune Deficiency (CVID), Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome (POTS), Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome (EDS), Psoriasis and Eczema, Arthritis, Tremors (finally now on new treatment that is helping), being allergic to everything including myself (now know its MCAS, bladder issues, severe IBS-C, progressive moderate persistent Asthma, and Migraines.
This was a perfect storm for me to get off track even though I was solid in my routines and treatments even through a pandemic. I was proud of myself but then I started to go back to old habits and make excuses for why I couldn’t do things such as the blog and YouTube which was a slippery slope because I started messing with my other routines like self care. It didn’t all happen at once but because of that it was harder for me to see the reality of what I was doing to myself … letting shame take over.
Fast forward to this past weekend when I had a smack in the face emotional driven PTSD episode … this is when I realized what I have done to myself. I have let myself believe taking care of everyone else was enough to make me happy (don’t get me wrong, I am a sucker to see someone happy) but I was lying to myself because if I don’t take care of me how in the hell can I make someone happy. I realized this sadness wasn’t just a funky day, this was a relapse, a flare, a resurgence or whatever you wish to call it … for me it was going back to a hell I have desperately worked hard for the past few years to avoid.
In times of depression for me or at least this time I feel alone when I have the most supportive family around me, I feel sad when I am blessed and I feel like I can’t sleep a wink but I am so exhausted. Even though I have goodness and reason to be happy, I am not. This isn’t a mindset to fix, this is a chemical/wiring issue in my brain and I have accepted that which is why I am now not putting myself down for feeling this way.
I feel like so often we put these lists together to keep us safe but in the end they are caging us in. For instance, I had this thought of undoing lists during hard times and then realized why only when we struggle – what if we took that logic and applied it to our every day life to avoid burnout and emotional rollercoasters? When we exercise we are told to take a rest day or two so our muscles can heal and recover … so why don’t we do that for our mind and soul?
This week has been hard but instead of pushing the depression aside pretending I am ok when I know I am not, I am faking it until the day I can say I made it again. I know this can be a controversial phrase but for me it holds true. I have to force myself to get out of bed, eat and drink to nourish my body, get dressed and do some sort of movement. The one thing I have changed this week is adding a comedy movie to my day and I have been pleasantly surprised to have genuine laughter which feels great, even if short lived I want to build on it. The things I used to do with pure joy don’t feel the same as I fake it but I have to believe that moving forward with the pain is healthier than bottling it up and have another rock bottom volcanic explosion.
I know my skills and the biggest one is asking for help but let me be the first it is in my opinion the hardest. Truth be told I didn’t want to tell my husband let alone my daughters I was struggling again but then I realized that would be letting shame take over and I hated how low my depression felt before I figured asking for help had to be a smidge better.
Each day I am adding something more into my schedule to create routine back in and re-teach my brain what it’s forgetting. I am not doing this alone and if you are struggling too please know you aren’t alone even if it seems that way. Truth is if we are being honest we all struggle but for me and many others this picture of what we should be gets in the way of what we can be.
I am someone who struggles openly but won’t give up, who are you?
Survive Your Struggle 