Do you ever get confused with all the “self” things out there? I know I do! I mean let’s look at it … years ago we had self-esteem, too much a bad thing and too little a bad thing. Now we have self-care, self-love and self-compassion. What in the world does this all mean and how does it affect or how could it help us? I am going to break down what I have learned and what helps me take care of my truest authentic self.
Self-Care
For me this is step 1 of the 3 self’s because it helps us help ourselves. I say this because I have often been told that if I am not taking care of myself, I won’t be able to take care of others (which really is a passion of mine). I think this also can be broken down into parts but the overall logic is that you are caring for yourself so that you can be your best self. This can be hygiene (which when you are struggling is way harder than many people realize), nutrition, exercise/movement, meditation/mindfulness, and soothing.
For me Self-Care ideally looks like getting up before others do because I truly believe how you start your morning helps set the tone for the day. Don’t get me wrong, I am well aware things often don’t go as planned but it helps. Getting up early isn’t easy but I like having the availability to move at my pace before chaos can happen. During this time is when I like to journal, brush my teeth and hair and have a glass of water. I then have coffee with my husband, one of my FAVORITE times of the day (it’s even better when we have coffee outside, just gives me so much peace). After coffee is time for me to move because that’s when my body is functioning the best, workouts look different for me based on how I am feeling but I try to do cardio Monday’s and Thursday’s, strengthening on Tuesday’s and Friday’s, and finally I do pilates or yoga on Wednesday’s and Saturday’s. Then I do my facial skin care routine while listening to a morning hype playlist and take my meds. After this I have lunch and relax because my body is often really exhausted and I struggle to stand at this point. I usually have a goal for making dinner of some sort then relax again. At the end of the day I like to cap it off by taking my meds, brushing my teeth and hair. I then do my night time facial skin care routine and during this I listen to an evening gratitude meditation. I would like to clarify, this is my ideal routine on a great day – when that doesn’t go as planned is where self-compassion comes in.
Self-Compassion
You know those moments when you feel punched in the gut and knocked down? Or those moments where you are embarrassed because things didn’t go as they “should” have? Ooh what about those moments where you are struggling but can’t show it? We all have them but what do we do with them? Often times it is portrayed to just stuff it down and move along or to be brave and don’t show it. Does that really work though? NO!!!! It makes a mountain of more problems because what we ignore will find it’s way back until we process it. So how do we get through the hurt, pain, uncomfortable?
Let me ask you this, how would you treat a dear friend or family member going through this? What would you say to them? It’s typically not the rhetoric we tell ourselves and that isn’t fair to us. For me self-compassion is the kindness during the hard moments, the gentle hug or hand to hold while we take another step. The difference is that instead of relying on others to help us through that (no shame in others helping, that’s different), we learn to help ourselves.
As a person with PTSD I have worked through a lot of trauma and a therapist explained self-compassion this way to me … “What did your younger self need the most?” She explained that inside of us is still what has happened and to be the friend/support we needed.
How I use this in my daily life is different per scenario but I will give a few examples. For pain I will often say “I see you, I feel you and I hear you” to give awareness. I was told our bodies and pain specifically are fairly selfish and like the attention, makes me laugh a little thinking that way. Now I want to be clear, by saying this mantra doesn’t release or magically make the pain disappear. It is me giving compassion and honoring it in a way to move forward with it. For side effects and symptoms, I like to use the same mantra but I also like “I can do hard things” because I have overcome 100% of my hardest days so I know I can overcome this but it won’t be easy. For brain fog/ADHD, I like to focus on putting things into perspective instead of what I can’t do. As I type this I realize, self-compassion is a lot like looking at the glass half full which isn’t always easy considering how hard life can be. Finding the joy in the journey or a silver lining along the way helps give me a gentle nudge forward to keep going and not give up.
It is more than ok to be the person for yourself you needed most, I know when I was in the heart of being diagnosed and barely making it I needed to know I wasn’t alone. I can be that for you because struggles suck no matter what they are but if we rally and give ourselves a little grace and compassion we can celebrate the small things, some day looking back they won’t be so small either because they are pivotal in our growth! When we are giving ourselves the break we need and knowing we are doing the best we can with what we have – that leads to self-love.
Self-Love
This to me is the hardest of all 3 to learn let alone master. Self-love is accepting us as is with no corrections needed. Self-love is freedom to be who we are inside, our truest authentic selves. Self-love is a relationship with ourselves that nobody can take away but vital to have a solid foundation of before we can genuinely give love away.
I used to think self-love was self-care, and it is in part and same with self-compassion but self-love is more than that. This is where doing an internal inventory is key to find out who we are, who we want to be, how we want to be described or remembered, our morals and values, and what drives us.
For me this is where journaling helps sort this out a ton. I am a person that doesn’t like to make mistakes but with journaling you just go, no stopping for however long you set your time or limit your space but you just go and let yourself pour out. There are so many prompts out there to use and I don’t think any one journal is the best out there. I also think that having a gratitude space is huge because that helps us discover an awareness out of our body. Our family does this at dinner, I call it a game because that sounds fun but everyone is a winner in my opinion so not sure if really a game. What we do is pick how many gratefulness we want to do or sometimes we get crazy and add in “when you felt most loved,” “something you did for someone else,” “greatest and hardest moment of the day,” etc. The rules are it had to have happened that day and nobody can repeat anyone else’s answer. This process helps us see that no matter how much we are struggling we can see beauty and our genuine authentic selves come out as we take in what’s important to us.
I want to end by saying that no matter where you are in your journey or what your abilities are, you are valuable and worth putting the work in for. It won’t be easy and no matter how much I know what helps me, there are many days it goes off course and I’m crying watching a comedy eating ice cream (insert self-compassion), but the fact is every day I do try to take care of myself. Celebrate the simpler moments, don’t wait for a grandiose movement – be proud of yourself because life is hard and you’re still here and that my fellow warriors is something major to celebrate!!!
Peace and Love Warriors!
Survive Your Struggle 